Once upon a time there was a cute little T-bone named Steak.

Steak was fresh to the world. He came from the Prime lineage and had unlimited potential on what he could become.

hi. I'm not delicious yet.

hi. I’m not delicious yet.

He could have taken Japanese classes and grown into a tasty Teriyaki-San, with a nice surprise kick at the end.


Sweep the leg. You’re the best around.

He could have taken Salsa lessons with Señor Pepper and turned into one smokin’ hot fajita.


Bailamos! Let the rhythm take you over Bailamos!

He also could have taken the easy way out and followed the mindless path 9/10 steaks take to A.1. School.


“A.1.– for all those steaks who were overcooked in their youth and never tried to make it into culinary school.

Instead Steak was smothered by his overprotective step-mother Rosemary.

She wouldn’t let him do anything.

She was afraid that Steak would get burned later in life and be responsible for cancer, heart attacks, and other murderous acts.


You don’t want any beef with this mofo.

Rosemary knew that the only way to protect Steak from the allure of the infamous Carcinogen Gang was if she rubbed off on him.

Agents of Death

Agents of Death

Only by drilling her rosmarinic acid and carnosic acid antioxidant wisdom into Steak until it became a part of his DNA, could her antioxidants fully shield him from the peer pressure of the Carcinogen Gang, especially when things got really heated.

Rosemary was determined to raise Steak unlike other beef to save him from falling to the Dark (and crispy) Side.

So she did what any obsessively-worrying mother would do.

Steak was homeschooled.

She kept him close and never let him leave the house. Ever. Rosemary often schooled Steak for 1-4 hrs at a time, sometimes even drilling him all night in their tiny quart-sized apartment until he absorbed all of her antioxidant ways.

Tough love.

Tough love.

Then one day, Steak finally became infused with her teachings. He had emerged as his own man, and yet, there was still a hint of Rosemary within every oz. of Steak.


A proud mother.

Being in his prime, Steak left Rosemary behind. He went out and first got a really awesome golden-brown tan, and then paired himself with his first soulmate, the lovely Miss Locally-Grown Organic Potato.

Miss Locally-Grown Organic Potato was one of a kind. She was wholesome… there was real nutritional substance to her. She was raised how every potato in America should be raised, but isn’t anymore. She was the best of her breed, and in all truthfulness, not to sound potatist, was the only type of potato worth associating with.

One sweet potato

One sweet potato

It was love at first sight. Miss Locally-Grown Organic Potato was so wild for Steak that just thinking of him made her feel all mashed up inside. She instantly melted as if she had a pat of pasture butter inside her.


crazy in love…like buttah

Steak loved being with Miss Locally-Grown Organic Potato. The two of them got all mushy and mashy together all the time. They were the perfect combination.

Life was good.

They were good together hot, and they were good together cold.

Rib Eye Steak November 26th, 2009

There was nothing really wrong with this pair, but time has a strange way of making all exciting things eventually go dull.

One night Steak wondered, “Was this all there was to life? Just mashing around all day with the same potato?”

Real food porn. “Brown-chicken-brown-cow.”

Steak looked at himself for the first time and realized that he was now only half the man that he used to be.


Mid-life crisis.

It was clear. She was not the one, and time was running out.

Steak was wondering where he could find someone who would make him a better Steak.

And then, he saw her.

She had one nice, long, slim leg…


and was full-bodied.


She looked perfect, but word on the street was that she was a bit pretentious.

Steak had never even heard of some of the words that were used to describe her before. “Spicy notes”,”herbaceous”, “Unctuous”? She sounded a bit too fancy for him.

But those thoughts all went away once they danced together. He gave her a few twirls and swirls, getting close enough to breathe in her intoxicating scent.

“Wow did I just smell a hint of cherry and oak?” Steak thought.

Rose was smooth and unlike anyone else he had ever met. Steak swore that she became more amazing with time, even if she just sat doing nothing but breathe.

Magically, whenever they were together, Rose had this ability to stop Steak from building up bad cholesterol in others. Steak’s family had a bad reputation of kicking and screaming as they were dying, releasing harmful compounds in the stomach. It was in his genes to clog arteries, but whenever Rose was around, her presence soothed him and her antioxidant wisdom prevented any of his harmful compounds from being absorbed.


The perfect couple. So beautiful that it’s unfair.

Whenever they were together, time stopped. There was suddenly more flavor in Steak’s life and it made him happy to realize that he was the best version of himself when Rose was around.

They made people happy just by being together. They were just so perfect for each other.

Yet even with this beautiful food synergy going on, it couldn’t hide the truth that Steak was running out of juice.

He was going to die very soon.

With his last oz. of strength, he told Rose that she was meant for him and that he would never let her go. Just like in some other love story, Rose told Steak that she wanted to spend her last drop with him, no matter what.


You complete me.

—But secretly she still wanted to live…but then again, it would be so poetic if they died together gracefully…it would be like a movie! Ah, but she was so young! How could she possibly be sure that he was the one?… but they had such a magical time together and it felt as if the Universe brought them together and they were meant to be…—

THEN WITHOUT WARNING they both got swallowed up by an impatient and very hungry Killer whale who just wanted to eat his DAMN steak and not hear about all the drama the moment he got home from work.

And they were delicious together.

The End.

Photo Sources: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18